Need to breakout!

Kind of pulling out my hair literally about being stuck in the house for various reasons. Mostly do to money but now it seems like not a good enough reason anymore to stay in the house. I'm thinking it's time I had a little change of scenery and started to get back to doing what I used to do for fun. Just wish those things wouldn't be so difficult to bring others into once in a while.

Same old same old...

I try to do what I think is right and it still blows up in my face sometimes. I think I'm making an effort and at times it never seems to be good enough. I can only try my best at things and make the best of whatever situation. That being said I'm trying to focus more on my hobbies instead of dwelling on things I can't change. So here are some updates!

I'm at the halfway point of working the cuffs for my mom's second pair of toe up socks.

Even though the knitting for her socks is relatively easy it's just hard doing all of that ribbing sometimes. So instead of plugging through to get it done with I of course start another knitting project to kind of avoid the situation. I recently bought the Abundance Afghan kit from Knit Picks and I'm in love with Suri Dream and the simplicity of the pattern! This project that I pick up when I've had enough of ribbing is affectionally nicknamed 'the muppet' because of the fur-like quality of the yarn.

I've also want to get back into knitting lace so I've picked up another pattern for some fingerless gloves with an easy lace pattern. I'm just having trouble reading the lace chart. I understand the repeats for the pattern just I seem to be having trouble wrapping my head around the edge stitches before and after the pattern repeat. I just have to ask more of my knitting buddies to explain that to me. I'm okay with knitting lace flat but seem to have gone back to square one with doing lace in the round. :-s But after I finish my mom's socks I'll take a break from sock knitting to work on my lace full time. :) Well at least that's the plan anyway. ^_^;

Endless Cycle

Starting to feel trapped again. I'm sort of stuck in a cycle that won't be ending anytime soon. So far it's only going to work and coming home to kind of be stuck in one room. It's usually okay for the weekends for catching up on things but during the week it's just starting to wear me down. I mostly say this because I know that at work for the most part I'll be stuck doing a big tedious project then coming home to do nothing major but sit in a room until I get tired enough to fall asleep then start the whole thing over again.

I don't think I'll be able to do anything right anymore. I'm sick of trying to express my feelings and only feeling like that things never really change when I do. I don't know how I can say what I need to say and say it in such a way that people will hear me.

I guess I'll try to take more time to sort stuff out again and see if I can find some sort of different outcome.

I guess I'd be able to take some things a little bit better but at work I'm still kind of burning the candle at both ends. I'm still working on a big project; where I hope today that I'll be able to finish the first part of it; only to start on a second one right away if all goes well. I just wish there was more help for me when I'm working on my project. I know that helping out at the desk is part of my job but if my other co-workers want me to finish this big job that none of them seem to want to do you'd think that they'd try to help me out by kind of letting it go that I can't really help out at the desk like I used to until it gets done. Again I'm just trying to suck it up and work through it until it's over with like everything that comes to work sometimes...sometimes you just have to get through it.

Nanowrimo '09

63,884..Woot! Finally semi accomplished something! XD

Breakthrough

Well sticking to my guns and talking things out seems to have worked out for the best. I think now that we’re talking more I can start to focus on other things that I’ve been neglecting again.

I’m at sort of a stopping point with my story. I need to make time to camp out somewhere and really focus on where I want this story to go. I have a vague idea but I’m still having trouble trying to get what I want each chapter to be like. I’ve just got so much in the way of material that I want to get out of my head and down on paper that I don’t know where to begin. *sighs* I just have to make time to sit down and really see where I want to go and how I want to edit what I’ve written in the past.

Craft-wise I’ve got a just 3 projects going. For me that’s very light. I think if I had more access to my knitting stash I’d be working on a bunch of other things and getting none of them done. I’m trying to be better about focusing on a few things at a time and so far it’s going well. It kind of sucks that I seem to be more deadline oriented when it comes to knitting. If I’m knitting something for someone else I seem to knit faster and get things done way sooner than if I were knitting something for myself. I guess knitting for yourself in a way should be more relaxing and used to learn new skills since there isn’t a deadline to get whatever project done.

Other hobbies that I’ve put on the back burner suck as drawing and painting are slowly starting to worm their way into the front of the stove. I guess watching a new anime series has started my drawing hand to start itching again. I know when I get the chance to start drawing again I’m going to be in some kind of pain because it’s been almost a year since I’ve picked up my drawing pencil. But like all of my other hobbies with a little practice I’ll be able to get my hand back into shape and hopefully can better my drawing skills.

Update

Doing a little bit better today. I was able to get motivated to clean up around the house and just start to feel better about myself. I still feel unsettled with the way things are but I still just try to keep going on one day at a time.  I don't know why but for the past few weeks I just kept feeling sorry for myself. At times it really does suck having low self esteem but it's something that I constantly have to struggle with. I guess it didn't really help when K and I went to visit my parents to pick up more of my mail. It just wasn't cool of my mom to kind of play us against each other the way she did. Granted it wasn't major just didn't want to haul anymore food over from her place but she just wouldn't let me. I guess things still have to be her way or not at all. I know she's just trying to look out for us but I would think that my opinion would count for something. Her going behind my back like that just makes me feel like I'm less of an adult. Who knows one day my opinion will matter to someone. Ah well, just got to keep trying to stick up for myself.

I finally had a good weekend. I made up with one of my friend Katie who I haven’t talked to or hung out with since the moving business began. It was fun to have a knitting day again. We just pretty much camped out on the couch and watched old episodes of Family Guy and she started me on Arrested Development. Now I’ve got another show to keep up with. J We also took a break from knitting and went out to eat at China Buffet it was very nice for my first time going there. Then again it was just nice to get out of the house. We also took a little side trip and stopped by her new place too. 

Sunday was a productive day for me as well. I managed to finish the afghan I started the day before as well as finish another two books. I’m just a few more away from meeting my 50 book goal and then I’ll be halfway towards my 100 goal!