Break Time

So it's the end of another semester and I'm kind of glad it over. Just because of all of the drama that's taken place at work which usually got me down, it's nice to get away from it from a little while. I'm still amazed that I was able to get the full time position they posted recently. I guess it just was my time. :) All in all it's one of the best Christmas presents I could have gotten because I've been wanting it for so long and after a few years I finally got it. I'm just happy that I didn't have to be fake to get it, I was myself and for once it actually paid off. *happy dance*

Since it's the break I've already come up with a big list of stuff to get me through the boredom of kind of being confined to the house. (Trying to save gas and money in general.) I hope to get all of the grunt stuff out of the way (cooking, cleaning) so I can work on the fun but at times not so fun work of writing and knitting. Another goal of mine is to win NaNoWriMo again and actually have something worth trying to publish within the next few years. (keeps fingers crossed) I just hope to stay focused to get some things accomplished for once.

Nothing really changes

I think I'm starting to feel under the weather again. Though I think it's due to increased activity and it's hot as hell outside. I'm sure the muggy air isn't helping me. I've been noticing lately that I've been that I've been more tired recently and sleeping a lot more but still don't feel as refreshed as I think I should feel. The weekend is coming up so I can try and catch up on more sleep and see if that helps. Recently I'm thinking about going outside to work on the backyard myself as a way to exercise and tire myself out so that I'll be have to fall asleep faster as well as hopefully rest better. Yesterday it was nice to just get away from computers and tv and just do nothing and not think about anything. I've needed to just relax and de-stress after work. This week it hasn't happened so much without some sort of argument when just trying to be into myself and de-stress. It seems like whenever I just want to be alone and away from people it cause an issue. So much so that people have to call me out on it instead of just letting me be. I've told some people before that if I wanted to engage them I would. When I don't it means that I'm not in the mood to do so. But then again it just may be to obvious for some. I wish that some people would learn to keep up with body language. If that were the only issue in my life I think I could better handle it sometimes more than others. Work for the most part is okay. The usual suspects keep stressing me for various reasons but most of the time I manage to hold it all in and not speak my mind too much. But everyday people will do there best to try and keep you down and make you feel less that what you are. It's funny every once in a while but day in and day out can get a little taxing to ones' spirit. I try and not let it bother me but some days are better than others. I guess I'm still wishing I was better equipped to handle the little things that irritate me. I try to just let them roll off of my back but sometimes stuff just sticks with you and it can get hard to stop their voices fro wearing you down. It's bad enough that I have my own voices to deal with but the added pressure of outside influences make it hard to do sometimes. Aside from that I do try to do things that try to lift my spirits and make me feel good about myself. It just seems like sometimes with me trying to do those things cause more trouble. It also leads me not to want to try and do those things that do make me happy. So it feels like sometimes nothing works out the way that I want it to in the long run. I keep trying to make things work and be somewhat balanced in my life. I just hope one day to actually achieve it.

Thrusday's Friday!

To get the crappy stuff out of the way: I'm really disliking dishonest people. I know that things can be taken in and out of context but sometimes people have a way of pushing things to far. All I can do is suck it up and move on. I'm not going to let these people get to me. Just have to wait it out and the day will be over soon! Whew! Now that I've said my piece about negative stuff now to the fun and tiring stuff!

I've got a big list of stuff for me to work on this extended weekend and I hope to actually get through most of it. Some stuff is easier than others but I just got to tune myself up for it and try to stay motivated. I'm hoping I've got enough energy to start on some of the little stuff when I get home so that when my weekend starts (Friday) I'll be looking at a more managable list. *nods head* Hopefully I'll be able to stick to the plan!

Same old same old...

I try to do what I think is right and it still blows up in my face sometimes. I think I'm making an effort and at times it never seems to be good enough. I can only try my best at things and make the best of whatever situation. That being said I'm trying to focus more on my hobbies instead of dwelling on things I can't change. So here are some updates!

I'm at the halfway point of working the cuffs for my mom's second pair of toe up socks.

Even though the knitting for her socks is relatively easy it's just hard doing all of that ribbing sometimes. So instead of plugging through to get it done with I of course start another knitting project to kind of avoid the situation. I recently bought the Abundance Afghan kit from Knit Picks and I'm in love with Suri Dream and the simplicity of the pattern! This project that I pick up when I've had enough of ribbing is affectionally nicknamed 'the muppet' because of the fur-like quality of the yarn.

I've also want to get back into knitting lace so I've picked up another pattern for some fingerless gloves with an easy lace pattern. I'm just having trouble reading the lace chart. I understand the repeats for the pattern just I seem to be having trouble wrapping my head around the edge stitches before and after the pattern repeat. I just have to ask more of my knitting buddies to explain that to me. I'm okay with knitting lace flat but seem to have gone back to square one with doing lace in the round. :-s But after I finish my mom's socks I'll take a break from sock knitting to work on my lace full time. :) Well at least that's the plan anyway. ^_^;

Time to Reflect

After talking and calming down a bit; I feel the cycle starting to crack a little. I still don't know if things are going to be different in the long run but I'm trying to take things one day at a time. All I can do is try to push through the pain so to speak and keep going.

I've finally been able to get back into watching anime. It took me a while to find some series that I could get into. While I'm waiting for some series to update I've been reading the Gossip Girl series and getting back into my sock knitting after taking a break from bigger projects.


If all goes well I'll actually be able to keep these socks for myself. Just need to figure out where to put some increases so I'll be able to knit these into a knee sock length.

Endless Cycle

Starting to feel trapped again. I'm sort of stuck in a cycle that won't be ending anytime soon. So far it's only going to work and coming home to kind of be stuck in one room. It's usually okay for the weekends for catching up on things but during the week it's just starting to wear me down. I mostly say this because I know that at work for the most part I'll be stuck doing a big tedious project then coming home to do nothing major but sit in a room until I get tired enough to fall asleep then start the whole thing over again.

I don't think I'll be able to do anything right anymore. I'm sick of trying to express my feelings and only feeling like that things never really change when I do. I don't know how I can say what I need to say and say it in such a way that people will hear me.

I guess I'll try to take more time to sort stuff out again and see if I can find some sort of different outcome.

I guess I'd be able to take some things a little bit better but at work I'm still kind of burning the candle at both ends. I'm still working on a big project; where I hope today that I'll be able to finish the first part of it; only to start on a second one right away if all goes well. I just wish there was more help for me when I'm working on my project. I know that helping out at the desk is part of my job but if my other co-workers want me to finish this big job that none of them seem to want to do you'd think that they'd try to help me out by kind of letting it go that I can't really help out at the desk like I used to until it gets done. Again I'm just trying to suck it up and work through it until it's over with like everything that comes to work sometimes...sometimes you just have to get through it.

Nanowrimo '09

63,884..Woot! Finally semi accomplished something! XD

Breakthrough

Well sticking to my guns and talking things out seems to have worked out for the best. I think now that we’re talking more I can start to focus on other things that I’ve been neglecting again.

I’m at sort of a stopping point with my story. I need to make time to camp out somewhere and really focus on where I want this story to go. I have a vague idea but I’m still having trouble trying to get what I want each chapter to be like. I’ve just got so much in the way of material that I want to get out of my head and down on paper that I don’t know where to begin. *sighs* I just have to make time to sit down and really see where I want to go and how I want to edit what I’ve written in the past.

Craft-wise I’ve got a just 3 projects going. For me that’s very light. I think if I had more access to my knitting stash I’d be working on a bunch of other things and getting none of them done. I’m trying to be better about focusing on a few things at a time and so far it’s going well. It kind of sucks that I seem to be more deadline oriented when it comes to knitting. If I’m knitting something for someone else I seem to knit faster and get things done way sooner than if I were knitting something for myself. I guess knitting for yourself in a way should be more relaxing and used to learn new skills since there isn’t a deadline to get whatever project done.

Other hobbies that I’ve put on the back burner suck as drawing and painting are slowly starting to worm their way into the front of the stove. I guess watching a new anime series has started my drawing hand to start itching again. I know when I get the chance to start drawing again I’m going to be in some kind of pain because it’s been almost a year since I’ve picked up my drawing pencil. But like all of my other hobbies with a little practice I’ll be able to get my hand back into shape and hopefully can better my drawing skills.

Update

Doing a little bit better today. I was able to get motivated to clean up around the house and just start to feel better about myself. I still feel unsettled with the way things are but I still just try to keep going on one day at a time.  I don't know why but for the past few weeks I just kept feeling sorry for myself. At times it really does suck having low self esteem but it's something that I constantly have to struggle with. I guess it didn't really help when K and I went to visit my parents to pick up more of my mail. It just wasn't cool of my mom to kind of play us against each other the way she did. Granted it wasn't major just didn't want to haul anymore food over from her place but she just wouldn't let me. I guess things still have to be her way or not at all. I know she's just trying to look out for us but I would think that my opinion would count for something. Her going behind my back like that just makes me feel like I'm less of an adult. Who knows one day my opinion will matter to someone. Ah well, just got to keep trying to stick up for myself.

I finally had a good weekend. I made up with one of my friend Katie who I haven’t talked to or hung out with since the moving business began. It was fun to have a knitting day again. We just pretty much camped out on the couch and watched old episodes of Family Guy and she started me on Arrested Development. Now I’ve got another show to keep up with. J We also took a break from knitting and went out to eat at China Buffet it was very nice for my first time going there. Then again it was just nice to get out of the house. We also took a little side trip and stopped by her new place too. 

Sunday was a productive day for me as well. I managed to finish the afghan I started the day before as well as finish another two books. I’m just a few more away from meeting my 50 book goal and then I’ll be halfway towards my 100 goal!

Life

Again, I’m not dead just completely out of it. It seems to be harder and harder to think of things I want to talk about on here. I guess the writer in me is still taking a very long break. I don’t really have many things in the way of updates.

I’m just in between knitting projects right now. I’m still working on a pair of black socks for myself and I’ve knit a few rows of another shrug for myself but both are very slow going. I guess if there was something good on tv that I could knit to both projects would have been done by now. ^^; I’ve also started working on an afghan for my mom. She had hinted to me over the phone about a blanket and when K and I went over to pick up my mail/X-mas presents, low and behold a knitters’ dream….YARN! It was a cool gift (along with a smaller knitting bag that’s uber functional!) but sadly they yarn that she purchased for me is stuff I’d stopped using since I got better at knitting. So of course I couldn’t be like 'I don’t use it' so I’m sacrificing my hands and knitting her up a patchwork afghan with the yarn she got me. I love the colors that she picked out just wish the yarn wasn’t so rough to work with but I think I can make it work into something really nice.

Aside from that I was commissioned by one of my co-workers for future X-mas gifts. So I’m excited to get started on the items that she wanted. It’s also a plus cause I get to go yarn shopping again! X3

I’m still working on two of the book challenges I sighed up for. One challenge is to read 50+ books before the end of the year and another is to read 100+ books. I think last time I checked I was at 34 books I think. So I’ve already beat my last year total of books by like 4 and I’m well on my way to at least getting to 50 books by the end of the year! I guess after all this time for me the little things still make me happy; reading a good book, working on some craft project, or just kicking back and listening to some good music. I’m still in love with the external hard drive K got me for my birthday. It’s so nice to have all of my music cds all in one place. I don’t have to hunt for them anymore. I’ve still got a bunch of cds to transfer to my hard drive but the ones I’ve done already keep me grooving for hours!

Friday

I don't know what it is but people this week are really starting to annoy me. It's like each day they try to prove their stupidity to me. Currently our machine to add money to their library cards is down so to compensate we're giving them free copies and printouts from the computers. You'd think after saying it once they'd get it but no...they continually ask you like three times in the course of one conversation that 'yes you can make copies for free, no we don't know when the machine will be working, yes...go make as many copies as you want!' I guess the whole 'free' thing catches them off guard. Here we are trying to give them a little bit of a break and its like they can't believe it instead of jumping at the chance we've basically got to force them to take the free stuff. I keep telling them to enjoy it while it lasts but some just still don't seem to get it. Ugh...Of course if we actually had photocopiers that took money instead of having the funds deducted from their cards that would be a great help. It just sucks because even when we move into the new building we'll still have the same copiers. Most of the staff and I are on the bandwagon that they'll still get there money just doesn't always have to be deducted from the card. *shakes head* Like most things that's WAY to simple of a concept to get out there. Other than that the other day I had a random run in with a patron. Nothing major happened just I guess the principle of it. I was flagged by a lady needing help with the copier. I'm like okay this will take just like a second and after I finish helping her I'll make a quick trip to the bathroom. Well after I made my way to her she's like 'hold on, let me find the page' and I'm literally standing there for like five plus minutes while this chick flips back and forth in this book trying to find what pages she needs. As I'm waiting I notice that it looks like her problem is that she's not lining up the book correctly to get the whole page of the book she's trying to copy but I'm thinking it has to be something more so I continue to wait. Along with flipping in the book she sometimes stops while she's flipping to ask me where in the book to look for whatever section she's trying to find and I'm like 'I have no clue cause I'm not looking at the book' but I refrained from saying that out loud. So eventually while I'm standing there and now really needing to use the bathroom she finally finds what she's looking for and then she goes over to the copier and I'm like 'it prints on this side of the glass' after she seemed to have lined to place the book properly on top of the copier. Then she's like 'oh I guess I didn't need your help after all.' Needless to say I quickly left and when to the bathroom all the while cursing her in my head for making me wait for absolutely NOTHING!! It would be one thing It's not often times I want to strangle a patron but that was one of those rare times.

Aside from library drama things seem to be going a little bit better for me. I'm knitting a little hardcore as of late. I've paused working on my socks to finish a commission piece for a co-worker of mine. He wanted a necktie and I told him I could knit him one. I'm halfway through knitting it. If I knit like a mad woman tonight and tomorrow I think I should have it finished before Monday. It's been nice to have a break from knitting socks. I just started to get a little lazy because I'm working on the cuff and it's going to be a lot of ribbing that I'm dreading for some reason. *shrugs* Other than that I broke down and bought some soft and snuggly Alpaca/Acrylic blend yarn. I can't wait to knit with it! After watching various knitting blogs and websites I'm trying to branch out there and try all different types of yarn. Because of one website I'm now very tempted to learn how to spin my own yarn. Hopefully it'll just be a test to get my feet wet and nothing more. heh heh Of course I say that but I'm sure I'll get hooked with spinning like everything else when it comes to anything involving knitting. :) I still need to post pics of what I've finished and working on. I've taken the pics just haven't made the time to post for some reason. *shrugs* I guess I'm still being lazy. heh heh

Blue Days

Well still battling with some mild depression. It still comes and goes. I just wish it would go so I can get my life back on track. I'm sick of crying all of the time and feeling lonely. I know that most of what I'm feeling is just internal drama that I've either already dealt with and just can't seem to let go or stuff I still have yet to voice. I was talking to an old friend who kind of stirred up some things that I thought I was over. Ended up crying because I missed what I used to do and the friendship we had. The whole conversation just brought up things I was trying to get over. I guess it's good because I'm trying to process it but bad because it just adds to my current sadness. I wish I could be happier about the current situation that I'm in but I just can't seem to get past it to be happy just to be happy. Bah. Aside from that I'm still debating some stuff as to whether or not to tell something or not. I guess I'm still frightened by the reaction to say what I've been holding onto. I already feel like they think less of me already I guess part of me doesn't want to add to it. *sighs* Maybe I'll go home and just write it down to get it out of my head. Maybe then after I've written it down I'll debate about sending it or not. *shurgs*

They're back!!

Our squirrel free day was just that...a day. Now we're just hopping that the two squirrels we've got aren't male and female so we won't have to worry about babies in the next couple of months.

Last night I felt better once I had some quite time to myself. I'm currently getting caught up on True Blood. Awesome series btw! :)

Just would have been nice if I got to get to sleep on time well. I was just about to go to sleep like on three separate occasions and was kind of rudely woken up, so it took me a little while to convince myself to go back to sleep. It's still way to cold in that house to really do much of anything but sit there and try to keep warm. Took me forever to try and wake up this morning but even with my trouble waking up I still was able to get to work early. *shrugs*

Knitting has kind of stalled out for me at the moment. Though I'm still looking forward to continuing working on my new pair of socks. Which reminds me to that I need to see if I can download some software so I can upload my current pictures.

Just can't wait till the weekend gets here. I'm loving the extended weekends. X3

Squirrel free! (for the moment)

So finally after 2 weeks of having 2 squirrels loose in the library, we were able to chase them out!

Running around was the last thing I wanted to do this morning after the scare I had just an hour before. Driving on my way to work this other guy and I were almost hit by another car. The guy was totally running a red light just to cut in front of me and the guy next to me just to get into my lane. Needless to say I'm happy that my breaks were working. Screeching tires first thing in the morning sure has a way of waking you up.

When I finally managed to make it to work things were none the less weirder than usual with the people that came up to the desk. We had one guy trying to steal a book, one was angry because the hours during the break weren't correct when he called it but was still angry that he drove all the way over just to see that we were closed, (even though before the break we always makes sure to have our hours posted to show the patrons...not our fault he refused to read) and just general stupidity. Along with that the added frustration of filling in for people that aren't here. I would go into more but I'm still trying to calm down. Let's just say if ever I leave my job without the worry of having to come back I'm torching a few things on my way out.

All of that aside; I'm still struggling with myself in trying to be happy and not cry so much over things. It's just difficult with the current living situation and no freedom to be who I am without offending anyone. I know I can do what I want to do but just getting myself to believe it is a totally different story. I still just try to take days one day at a time. I just hope I can stop crying every other day.

Tuesday

Ugh...

So I can't wait till the weekend but even though I say that I'm pretty sure I won't be doing anything productive. I guess the X-mas blues are starting to come early for me. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been knitting more since I let writing go and I've finished two small projects already. My tea cozy and another scarf. I guess I'm just trying to get rid of my yarn so I can work on other projects. Hopefully sometime this month I'll be able to work on some of my old projects to get them out of the way and finish emptying out my yarn stash. Working on new and somewhat difficult patterns seems to be alleviating some of the boredom but I'm still having my moments. I'm currently working on a lace headband and so far its working out. I still try to write every now and then but I can't seem to focus on what I need to focus on. I know I need to work on settings but I'm still having trouble getting what I see in my mind down on paper. I just need to keep at it like every other hobby I've got. At times I just wish things were how they were a few years ago. I just seemed to be less troubled and more comfortable in my own skin. Now I feel as if I can't ever do anything right and I'm constantly worrying about stuff I can't change or fix. I'm still feeling trapped even though I'm not. I keep trying to do anything to take away from feeling like that but it seems like I can never get away from that feeling. I'm trying to take one day at a time but some days are harder than others. I'm sick of crying all of the time but I just can't seem to get my emotions out any other way. Talking about it only seems to lessen the situation for about an hour or so but whatever I say doesn't seem to stick around long enough so that changes can be made. I still feel frustrated and out of place no matter what I say or do. I always seem to keep going in circles.

Hump day

So making a little progress with my novel. Still have a bunch of editing to do but I hope to break 10,000 words tonight or get damn near close to it! heh heh So far I'm liking the way this version of my story is turning out. Just have to keep trying to connect scenes so they make sense. Sometimes the creative process really urks me. *sighs*

In other news...yay for the new pres!

In other other news most of my books and knitting have been placed on hold for the novel but I try to sneak in some of each when I can.

Ugh...back to writing!

Tuesday

Well last night I had a little breakthrough with my writing. After making some progress finally with the first chapter I remembered some of the parts I needed for my new story were in my old one! So now for some of the parts that I'm currently writing I just have to edit the hell out of my old story so that it'll fit in with my new one. I'll be able to get the word count up a least a little more today. The joys of editing...*sighs*

Monday

Well have it all planned out to either hang out here after work or go to Books a Million to write some more. That's the plan at least. I think last night I made up a little from my lack of writing on Saturday. Sure I didn't write as many words as I would have liked to but I did manage to crack through the little block I was having. Hopefully today will be better!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!!!

So far today isn't starting out so great for me unfortunately. I woke up twice during the night and just made it to the bathroom before semi-puking. Wasn't full blown but still kind of unnerving considering I didn't really stuff myself that night. I've been good about eating more during the day but I don't know what's causing my stomach to be so upset. It's been a few hours since I've really woken up and I still feel somewhat queasy. I think today tea will be best friend and I'll try to avoid eating big meals. ^-^;

*2 hour delay*

So now I'm at work feeling a little bit better. It kind of helps being dressed like a cat girl. :) Things were going normally so far for a Friday. Not too busy, not too many people...the usual slow day when I get there. But one of my co-workers apparently taking the cue from me (since I'm the only one in the whole staff that decided to dress up) and decided he wanted to be the Joker so he took a couple of permanent markers and proceeded to draw on his face...*sighs* We all hope that it'll eventually come off...if not we'll be very amused come Monday.

*hour or so later*

Some other employees came in wearing costumes I saw another fellow cat girl. My co-worker asked her where she got her white face paint to which she replied she got it at the store just before she came in. Needless to say he went off with her to get the white face paint to complete his joker look. When he came back I nearly spit out my tea that I was drinking because as soon as I saw him I couldn't stop laughing. So now he looks like a demented Joker with the runny melty face. I'm just happy I sit in front of him because if he's in my line of sight I can't help but laugh. It's actually making up for the crappy start to my morning. XD

When I get home my plan is to finish going through my cd's so I have my music ready for this weekend. Got a good stack so far this morning just have to pick through a few more cabinets to find the one's I think would really help me out more. Other than I'm going to try to watch all of the shows that I've been tapping so that I'll have NO distractions on Saturday. I even figured out a mini plan to make things (hopefully) easier on me when it comes to writing. I'm starting to get anxious! X3

Weekend almost here

So last night I went to bed with yet another headache. I don't know what it could be from. I've been going to bed it seems earlier and earlier each night, so I'm sure it's not from lack of sleep. Course with the cold mornings it's really hard to want to go into work sometimes. *shivers*

I can't wait to get started on writing my novel! I managed to finish the outline on Wednesday so on Saturday since I don't have any other plans coming up I can stay home and write. I just have to be sure to keep the tv off and have some soft writing friendly music playing in the background to help motivate me. I think tonight I'll go through my cd's and start picking stuff out. Of course that'll be a whole other adventure of trying to find cd's. ^^;

And wouldn't you know as soon as I start to focus on one thing other things that I've been neglecting start to creep up on me wanting attention too. I've been sort of knitting a few rounds of my socks that I started months ago. So they're kind of begging my attention to finish them...or at least get to the part where I can start working on the heels. ^^; I don't think I was helping myself by watching all of those you tube clips of other knitters and their techniques for doing stuff. I'll just have to pace myself so I spend the majority of my time writing and as a break; treat myself to working on my socks. Again...that's always the 'plan'.