Need to breakout!

Kind of pulling out my hair literally about being stuck in the house for various reasons. Mostly do to money but now it seems like not a good enough reason anymore to stay in the house. I'm thinking it's time I had a little change of scenery and started to get back to doing what I used to do for fun. Just wish those things wouldn't be so difficult to bring others into once in a while.

Blue Days

Well still battling with some mild depression. It still comes and goes. I just wish it would go so I can get my life back on track. I'm sick of crying all of the time and feeling lonely. I know that most of what I'm feeling is just internal drama that I've either already dealt with and just can't seem to let go or stuff I still have yet to voice. I was talking to an old friend who kind of stirred up some things that I thought I was over. Ended up crying because I missed what I used to do and the friendship we had. The whole conversation just brought up things I was trying to get over. I guess it's good because I'm trying to process it but bad because it just adds to my current sadness. I wish I could be happier about the current situation that I'm in but I just can't seem to get past it to be happy just to be happy. Bah. Aside from that I'm still debating some stuff as to whether or not to tell something or not. I guess I'm still frightened by the reaction to say what I've been holding onto. I already feel like they think less of me already I guess part of me doesn't want to add to it. *sighs* Maybe I'll go home and just write it down to get it out of my head. Maybe then after I've written it down I'll debate about sending it or not. *shurgs*

Tuesday

Ugh...

So I can't wait till the weekend but even though I say that I'm pretty sure I won't be doing anything productive. I guess the X-mas blues are starting to come early for me. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been knitting more since I let writing go and I've finished two small projects already. My tea cozy and another scarf. I guess I'm just trying to get rid of my yarn so I can work on other projects. Hopefully sometime this month I'll be able to work on some of my old projects to get them out of the way and finish emptying out my yarn stash. Working on new and somewhat difficult patterns seems to be alleviating some of the boredom but I'm still having my moments. I'm currently working on a lace headband and so far its working out. I still try to write every now and then but I can't seem to focus on what I need to focus on. I know I need to work on settings but I'm still having trouble getting what I see in my mind down on paper. I just need to keep at it like every other hobby I've got. At times I just wish things were how they were a few years ago. I just seemed to be less troubled and more comfortable in my own skin. Now I feel as if I can't ever do anything right and I'm constantly worrying about stuff I can't change or fix. I'm still feeling trapped even though I'm not. I keep trying to do anything to take away from feeling like that but it seems like I can never get away from that feeling. I'm trying to take one day at a time but some days are harder than others. I'm sick of crying all of the time but I just can't seem to get my emotions out any other way. Talking about it only seems to lessen the situation for about an hour or so but whatever I say doesn't seem to stick around long enough so that changes can be made. I still feel frustrated and out of place no matter what I say or do. I always seem to keep going in circles.

.....

Well I thought things were starting to get a little better but I was wrong.

I made the phone call to my folks to ask them what they were doing for Thanksgiving. As a way to help solve my little cabin fever problem and actually be a good daughter and visit them besides on just Christmas. Things during the call were going okay. I was only questioned a couple of times about why I was coming. My mother immediately asked if things were okay between me and K and I'm like yes. I just wanted to get away. Then she's like 'you know things do get rough at times, you just gotta stick it out' and 'you guys are still getting married next year, right?' All to which I assured her that nothings changed I just needed to get away for a little bit. Then she was like okay. After that we chatted for a little bit more and then hung up. About 15 minutes later she called back with confirmation about when they were coming to pick me up and drop me back home. While we were finalizing that my mother slips in the comment that 'you're not coming down here with attitude are you?' I'm like no. 'Good that means you won't be hold up in your room not talking to anyone, right?' Again I'm like no I go wherever. After a few more minutes we hung up again and I just lot it. I was crying again because she always knows how to jab at a sore spot that didn't need to be pressed. Here I am just relieved that I can chill and hang out at home with them and Ozzy (their dog) and just be. But what I get is accusations that I'm running away from my problems and that I've got to have a better attitude while I'm around them. It just seems I can't win no matter what I do or where I go. Now I've got to pretend like I didn't get attacked yet again keep up the happy front when I eventually go down there in November. I can't cancel now because then she'll know she got to me in some way and will interrogate me further about it. I guess it was kind of random for me to ask if I could come down there. I usually don't but I did honestly just on top of wanting to get away I did want to spend time with them and now because of that comment I'm yet again feeling out of place and kind of unwelcome. I know I'm over reacting but still why would someone say that to a person? It happened in the past and I thought I was getting better when I was hanging around them but apparently I haven't changed in their eyes.

It's just another frustrating thing to add to the list of things that have been bugging me over the past few weeks. Now I really feel like I've got no place to go to where I feel like I can be myself, not that I even remember what that is anymore. I guess I need to find some place with no distractions and no one around and just be to think or not to think and try to get back to myself.

I hope I can find that place soon cause I'm sick of crying myself to sleep at night.

Dark weekend

So last night when I was about to go to bed I kind of freaked out and started crying.

Over the past few weeks just was feeling majorly depressed and having a touch of cabin fever I finally broke down. It just really got to me the fact that I haven't been able to do things that I would normally do. I've tried reading and watching anime to pass the time but it seems right now that its not working. I'm just sick of seeing the same 4 walls day in and day out. I might try to break up what I do before I come home and hope that lessens it some. I hope that'll work just going to other stores and shop and just hang out for a half hour or so till I feel like going back home. Just being in the rut of going to work and home and doing stuff that I have to do seems to me just grating on my nerves. I wish gas wasn't so expensive so I could maybe drive around a little and just hang out in random places till I feel the need to come home and sit there.

I did feel a little bit better while I was knitting my ascot. That's probably because it was a small project and I was able to finish it fairly quickly so I got some instant gratification about that. I'm starting to feel a little pull from some of the projects that I set aside so hopefully I'll be able to pick one of them up and start knitting on them too.

I'm just in a blah mood and now I'm trying to get out of it...hopefully soon so I can get over this and move on.