Break Time

So it's the end of another semester and I'm kind of glad it over. Just because of all of the drama that's taken place at work which usually got me down, it's nice to get away from it from a little while. I'm still amazed that I was able to get the full time position they posted recently. I guess it just was my time. :) All in all it's one of the best Christmas presents I could have gotten because I've been wanting it for so long and after a few years I finally got it. I'm just happy that I didn't have to be fake to get it, I was myself and for once it actually paid off. *happy dance*

Since it's the break I've already come up with a big list of stuff to get me through the boredom of kind of being confined to the house. (Trying to save gas and money in general.) I hope to get all of the grunt stuff out of the way (cooking, cleaning) so I can work on the fun but at times not so fun work of writing and knitting. Another goal of mine is to win NaNoWriMo again and actually have something worth trying to publish within the next few years. (keeps fingers crossed) I just hope to stay focused to get some things accomplished for once.

Same old same old...

I try to do what I think is right and it still blows up in my face sometimes. I think I'm making an effort and at times it never seems to be good enough. I can only try my best at things and make the best of whatever situation. That being said I'm trying to focus more on my hobbies instead of dwelling on things I can't change. So here are some updates!

I'm at the halfway point of working the cuffs for my mom's second pair of toe up socks.

Even though the knitting for her socks is relatively easy it's just hard doing all of that ribbing sometimes. So instead of plugging through to get it done with I of course start another knitting project to kind of avoid the situation. I recently bought the Abundance Afghan kit from Knit Picks and I'm in love with Suri Dream and the simplicity of the pattern! This project that I pick up when I've had enough of ribbing is affectionally nicknamed 'the muppet' because of the fur-like quality of the yarn.

I've also want to get back into knitting lace so I've picked up another pattern for some fingerless gloves with an easy lace pattern. I'm just having trouble reading the lace chart. I understand the repeats for the pattern just I seem to be having trouble wrapping my head around the edge stitches before and after the pattern repeat. I just have to ask more of my knitting buddies to explain that to me. I'm okay with knitting lace flat but seem to have gone back to square one with doing lace in the round. :-s But after I finish my mom's socks I'll take a break from sock knitting to work on my lace full time. :) Well at least that's the plan anyway. ^_^;

Time to Reflect

After talking and calming down a bit; I feel the cycle starting to crack a little. I still don't know if things are going to be different in the long run but I'm trying to take things one day at a time. All I can do is try to push through the pain so to speak and keep going.

I've finally been able to get back into watching anime. It took me a while to find some series that I could get into. While I'm waiting for some series to update I've been reading the Gossip Girl series and getting back into my sock knitting after taking a break from bigger projects.


If all goes well I'll actually be able to keep these socks for myself. Just need to figure out where to put some increases so I'll be able to knit these into a knee sock length.

Breakthrough

Well sticking to my guns and talking things out seems to have worked out for the best. I think now that we’re talking more I can start to focus on other things that I’ve been neglecting again.

I’m at sort of a stopping point with my story. I need to make time to camp out somewhere and really focus on where I want this story to go. I have a vague idea but I’m still having trouble trying to get what I want each chapter to be like. I’ve just got so much in the way of material that I want to get out of my head and down on paper that I don’t know where to begin. *sighs* I just have to make time to sit down and really see where I want to go and how I want to edit what I’ve written in the past.

Craft-wise I’ve got a just 3 projects going. For me that’s very light. I think if I had more access to my knitting stash I’d be working on a bunch of other things and getting none of them done. I’m trying to be better about focusing on a few things at a time and so far it’s going well. It kind of sucks that I seem to be more deadline oriented when it comes to knitting. If I’m knitting something for someone else I seem to knit faster and get things done way sooner than if I were knitting something for myself. I guess knitting for yourself in a way should be more relaxing and used to learn new skills since there isn’t a deadline to get whatever project done.

Other hobbies that I’ve put on the back burner suck as drawing and painting are slowly starting to worm their way into the front of the stove. I guess watching a new anime series has started my drawing hand to start itching again. I know when I get the chance to start drawing again I’m going to be in some kind of pain because it’s been almost a year since I’ve picked up my drawing pencil. But like all of my other hobbies with a little practice I’ll be able to get my hand back into shape and hopefully can better my drawing skills.

Knitting Update

Well its been a while since I've posted some pics. I haven't been a complete bum these past few months so here's some pics of finished objects and wips I'm working on. Enjoy! X3

Update

Doing a little bit better today. I was able to get motivated to clean up around the house and just start to feel better about myself. I still feel unsettled with the way things are but I still just try to keep going on one day at a time.  I don't know why but for the past few weeks I just kept feeling sorry for myself. At times it really does suck having low self esteem but it's something that I constantly have to struggle with. I guess it didn't really help when K and I went to visit my parents to pick up more of my mail. It just wasn't cool of my mom to kind of play us against each other the way she did. Granted it wasn't major just didn't want to haul anymore food over from her place but she just wouldn't let me. I guess things still have to be her way or not at all. I know she's just trying to look out for us but I would think that my opinion would count for something. Her going behind my back like that just makes me feel like I'm less of an adult. Who knows one day my opinion will matter to someone. Ah well, just got to keep trying to stick up for myself.

I finally had a good weekend. I made up with one of my friend Katie who I haven’t talked to or hung out with since the moving business began. It was fun to have a knitting day again. We just pretty much camped out on the couch and watched old episodes of Family Guy and she started me on Arrested Development. Now I’ve got another show to keep up with. J We also took a break from knitting and went out to eat at China Buffet it was very nice for my first time going there. Then again it was just nice to get out of the house. We also took a little side trip and stopped by her new place too. 

Sunday was a productive day for me as well. I managed to finish the afghan I started the day before as well as finish another two books. I’m just a few more away from meeting my 50 book goal and then I’ll be halfway towards my 100 goal!

Life

Again, I’m not dead just completely out of it. It seems to be harder and harder to think of things I want to talk about on here. I guess the writer in me is still taking a very long break. I don’t really have many things in the way of updates.

I’m just in between knitting projects right now. I’m still working on a pair of black socks for myself and I’ve knit a few rows of another shrug for myself but both are very slow going. I guess if there was something good on tv that I could knit to both projects would have been done by now. ^^; I’ve also started working on an afghan for my mom. She had hinted to me over the phone about a blanket and when K and I went over to pick up my mail/X-mas presents, low and behold a knitters’ dream….YARN! It was a cool gift (along with a smaller knitting bag that’s uber functional!) but sadly they yarn that she purchased for me is stuff I’d stopped using since I got better at knitting. So of course I couldn’t be like 'I don’t use it' so I’m sacrificing my hands and knitting her up a patchwork afghan with the yarn she got me. I love the colors that she picked out just wish the yarn wasn’t so rough to work with but I think I can make it work into something really nice.

Aside from that I was commissioned by one of my co-workers for future X-mas gifts. So I’m excited to get started on the items that she wanted. It’s also a plus cause I get to go yarn shopping again! X3

I’m still working on two of the book challenges I sighed up for. One challenge is to read 50+ books before the end of the year and another is to read 100+ books. I think last time I checked I was at 34 books I think. So I’ve already beat my last year total of books by like 4 and I’m well on my way to at least getting to 50 books by the end of the year! I guess after all this time for me the little things still make me happy; reading a good book, working on some craft project, or just kicking back and listening to some good music. I’m still in love with the external hard drive K got me for my birthday. It’s so nice to have all of my music cds all in one place. I don’t have to hunt for them anymore. I’ve still got a bunch of cds to transfer to my hard drive but the ones I’ve done already keep me grooving for hours!

Friday

I don't know what it is but people this week are really starting to annoy me. It's like each day they try to prove their stupidity to me. Currently our machine to add money to their library cards is down so to compensate we're giving them free copies and printouts from the computers. You'd think after saying it once they'd get it but no...they continually ask you like three times in the course of one conversation that 'yes you can make copies for free, no we don't know when the machine will be working, yes...go make as many copies as you want!' I guess the whole 'free' thing catches them off guard. Here we are trying to give them a little bit of a break and its like they can't believe it instead of jumping at the chance we've basically got to force them to take the free stuff. I keep telling them to enjoy it while it lasts but some just still don't seem to get it. Ugh...Of course if we actually had photocopiers that took money instead of having the funds deducted from their cards that would be a great help. It just sucks because even when we move into the new building we'll still have the same copiers. Most of the staff and I are on the bandwagon that they'll still get there money just doesn't always have to be deducted from the card. *shakes head* Like most things that's WAY to simple of a concept to get out there. Other than that the other day I had a random run in with a patron. Nothing major happened just I guess the principle of it. I was flagged by a lady needing help with the copier. I'm like okay this will take just like a second and after I finish helping her I'll make a quick trip to the bathroom. Well after I made my way to her she's like 'hold on, let me find the page' and I'm literally standing there for like five plus minutes while this chick flips back and forth in this book trying to find what pages she needs. As I'm waiting I notice that it looks like her problem is that she's not lining up the book correctly to get the whole page of the book she's trying to copy but I'm thinking it has to be something more so I continue to wait. Along with flipping in the book she sometimes stops while she's flipping to ask me where in the book to look for whatever section she's trying to find and I'm like 'I have no clue cause I'm not looking at the book' but I refrained from saying that out loud. So eventually while I'm standing there and now really needing to use the bathroom she finally finds what she's looking for and then she goes over to the copier and I'm like 'it prints on this side of the glass' after she seemed to have lined to place the book properly on top of the copier. Then she's like 'oh I guess I didn't need your help after all.' Needless to say I quickly left and when to the bathroom all the while cursing her in my head for making me wait for absolutely NOTHING!! It would be one thing It's not often times I want to strangle a patron but that was one of those rare times.

Aside from library drama things seem to be going a little bit better for me. I'm knitting a little hardcore as of late. I've paused working on my socks to finish a commission piece for a co-worker of mine. He wanted a necktie and I told him I could knit him one. I'm halfway through knitting it. If I knit like a mad woman tonight and tomorrow I think I should have it finished before Monday. It's been nice to have a break from knitting socks. I just started to get a little lazy because I'm working on the cuff and it's going to be a lot of ribbing that I'm dreading for some reason. *shrugs* Other than that I broke down and bought some soft and snuggly Alpaca/Acrylic blend yarn. I can't wait to knit with it! After watching various knitting blogs and websites I'm trying to branch out there and try all different types of yarn. Because of one website I'm now very tempted to learn how to spin my own yarn. Hopefully it'll just be a test to get my feet wet and nothing more. heh heh Of course I say that but I'm sure I'll get hooked with spinning like everything else when it comes to anything involving knitting. :) I still need to post pics of what I've finished and working on. I've taken the pics just haven't made the time to post for some reason. *shrugs* I guess I'm still being lazy. heh heh

Tuesday

Ugh...

So I can't wait till the weekend but even though I say that I'm pretty sure I won't be doing anything productive. I guess the X-mas blues are starting to come early for me. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been knitting more since I let writing go and I've finished two small projects already. My tea cozy and another scarf. I guess I'm just trying to get rid of my yarn so I can work on other projects. Hopefully sometime this month I'll be able to work on some of my old projects to get them out of the way and finish emptying out my yarn stash. Working on new and somewhat difficult patterns seems to be alleviating some of the boredom but I'm still having my moments. I'm currently working on a lace headband and so far its working out. I still try to write every now and then but I can't seem to focus on what I need to focus on. I know I need to work on settings but I'm still having trouble getting what I see in my mind down on paper. I just need to keep at it like every other hobby I've got. At times I just wish things were how they were a few years ago. I just seemed to be less troubled and more comfortable in my own skin. Now I feel as if I can't ever do anything right and I'm constantly worrying about stuff I can't change or fix. I'm still feeling trapped even though I'm not. I keep trying to do anything to take away from feeling like that but it seems like I can never get away from that feeling. I'm trying to take one day at a time but some days are harder than others. I'm sick of crying all of the time but I just can't seem to get my emotions out any other way. Talking about it only seems to lessen the situation for about an hour or so but whatever I say doesn't seem to stick around long enough so that changes can be made. I still feel frustrated and out of place no matter what I say or do. I always seem to keep going in circles.

Hump day

So making a little progress with my novel. Still have a bunch of editing to do but I hope to break 10,000 words tonight or get damn near close to it! heh heh So far I'm liking the way this version of my story is turning out. Just have to keep trying to connect scenes so they make sense. Sometimes the creative process really urks me. *sighs*

In other news...yay for the new pres!

In other other news most of my books and knitting have been placed on hold for the novel but I try to sneak in some of each when I can.

Ugh...back to writing!

Weekend almost here

So last night I went to bed with yet another headache. I don't know what it could be from. I've been going to bed it seems earlier and earlier each night, so I'm sure it's not from lack of sleep. Course with the cold mornings it's really hard to want to go into work sometimes. *shivers*

I can't wait to get started on writing my novel! I managed to finish the outline on Wednesday so on Saturday since I don't have any other plans coming up I can stay home and write. I just have to be sure to keep the tv off and have some soft writing friendly music playing in the background to help motivate me. I think tonight I'll go through my cd's and start picking stuff out. Of course that'll be a whole other adventure of trying to find cd's. ^^;

And wouldn't you know as soon as I start to focus on one thing other things that I've been neglecting start to creep up on me wanting attention too. I've been sort of knitting a few rounds of my socks that I started months ago. So they're kind of begging my attention to finish them...or at least get to the part where I can start working on the heels. ^^; I don't think I was helping myself by watching all of those you tube clips of other knitters and their techniques for doing stuff. I'll just have to pace myself so I spend the majority of my time writing and as a break; treat myself to working on my socks. Again...that's always the 'plan'.

Friday!

Yay! It's the weekend...in a few more hours! *happy dance*

I managed to lift some of the weight off of me my talking to my supervisor about the situation I've been dealing with in the mornings and she was like 'why didn't you tell me?!?' I was like I thought things would change with my other co-worker being there but it hasn't so I came to you. She was very understanding and she went along with my suggestion about coming in early (which I had been doing anyway) to make sure things were taken care of before we open up in the mornings. She also said that she herself would come in earlier to help me out. Which is awesome but I'll still make sure to take care of the bigger issues we've got in the morning before she gets here. It'll just be nice to have a second person there to help take some of the pressure off me.

Other than that I'm still kind of in a blah mood. I started reading a new book, mostly during my breaks at work, but haven't really been reading it at home. So far it seems to be a good story just can't bring myself to read while I'm at home for some reason.

Still haven't really found the energy either to work on some of my knitting projects. The socks are still calling to me but I haven't managed to pick them up to start knitting. Pretty much the only thing I've managed to do knitting-wise is look for more patterns that I might be interested in knitting. At least I'm not looking at the yarn which would just cause me to buy more without a purpose so I've been trying to stay away from yarn porn.

Feeling better...I think...

So a couple more days go by and I feel strangely good.

Still bummed that I'm busting my ass here at work in the mornings with limited help. Even though I feel like I'm struggling, my supervisor told me the other day she was happy that she made the switch in hours between me and another co-worker. So as long as she's happy that's all that matters. That and with the way that my hours are now I get to leave earlier and avoid some of the afternoon drama.

Personal things are starting to look better. I got a call from my mother last night for no reason. I guess she might have been feeling my vibe from our last phone call. It was another generic call about how things were going and 'I was just thinking about you' and the usual crap. Though the only drawback was that of another random comment after she again asked if the wedding was on that 'that make makes me very happy'...I'm like okay...I still may be a little bit of a wreck but as long as 'shes' happy everythings all right. *sighs* I knew I shouldn't have called her and started this mess but at the time I felt like that was my only option. Which is kind of funny considering she keeps telling me that I'm always welcome there and one of the few times I actually take her up on the offer it cause all this drama?!? Well on my end at least. *sighs and takes deep breath* Just still looking forward to playing with Ozzy to make this all worth it!

On the knitting front I stared working on the Unshaped Shrug pattern again with some slight modifications. This time I'm actually using the pattern! It's working along quick and easy for the most part though after a little creative adding of stitches I managed to get my modifications to fit along with the pattern. So much so that you can't really tell that I messed up since I caught it early on. :) Slowly but surely I'm clearing out my yarn stash. Though I still have to get back to work on my socks. ^^;

Dark weekend

So last night when I was about to go to bed I kind of freaked out and started crying.

Over the past few weeks just was feeling majorly depressed and having a touch of cabin fever I finally broke down. It just really got to me the fact that I haven't been able to do things that I would normally do. I've tried reading and watching anime to pass the time but it seems right now that its not working. I'm just sick of seeing the same 4 walls day in and day out. I might try to break up what I do before I come home and hope that lessens it some. I hope that'll work just going to other stores and shop and just hang out for a half hour or so till I feel like going back home. Just being in the rut of going to work and home and doing stuff that I have to do seems to me just grating on my nerves. I wish gas wasn't so expensive so I could maybe drive around a little and just hang out in random places till I feel the need to come home and sit there.

I did feel a little bit better while I was knitting my ascot. That's probably because it was a small project and I was able to finish it fairly quickly so I got some instant gratification about that. I'm starting to feel a little pull from some of the projects that I set aside so hopefully I'll be able to pick one of them up and start knitting on them too.

I'm just in a blah mood and now I'm trying to get out of it...hopefully soon so I can get over this and move on.

FO!

I finally finished making my ascot! It was a very simple pattern to knit up. Course it does help that my head was finally clear from my cold so I could focus on knitting. ^^;

Finished and being blocked!


Close up


Close up of edging


Me wearing it!

New Project

I'm currently working on the free Lana & Clark Ascot pattern from Vickie Howell. So far it's been a quick pattern to knit up. Still working on the first half of it. The only snag I ran into so far was trying to knit 4 stitches together. My first attempt I had to rip out a few rows. I left it at that for the evening and tonight when I get home I'm going to attempt it again. The Vickie Hoewll Love yarn that I'm using is really nice to work with. It's not splitting too badly. My only complaint is that one of the hanks I purchased is cut and re-tied in several places. If I do manage to use it it's going to have to be on a small project with all the bumps in this particular ball. But it's my fault for not trying to wind it in a ball earlier when it was within the return time. Oh well. I should have wip pics up soon!

Feeling under the weather

I don't know if it's a delayed reaction to my work schedule changing but I'm not feeling my best as of late.

I've been trying to be good about making sure I eat a little something before I go in. It's not as much as I used to eat before I went in a few months ago but I'm trying so I don't get so run down. I'm still eating what I'm bringing to work for lunch. I don't know why I would be feeling this way except for the change in activity. I'm still trying to be active when I get home though as of late I haven't really been into anything as much as I used to. I've slowed down with my reading too. I felt a little guilty returning a book the next Harry Potter book I was looking forward to reading. I did attempt to read it after I first checked it out but quickly lost interest in actually reading it. The other day I thought up the plan to just save up so I can buy the collection and then I can read them at my leisure. I had intended on buy the collection anyway so in the end it's probably for the best that I'm taking a break from the series. Aside from that it's taken me like 3 weeks and I still haven't finished my other book I was reading. Just kind of said because usually I can read one of those erotic books in a couple of days. I've only got a few more chapters to go so hopefully I'll be finished with it by this weekend. Then I'll just take a break from everything and see what peeks my interest again and go from there.

Last weekend I did managed to make 2 more granny squares in different patterns. I'm still trying to post pics of those when I can get a decent shot of them without some sort of weird glare. Other than that I'm still stalled out on knitting and crocheting projects that I'd like to do. I guess over the past few weeks I've been doing too much and just need a break from everything.

I also managed to work a little on a story that I don't think I'll ever finish. I'm still getting random scenes in my head and trying to get them down on paper. I just have to try and eventually make the time to sit down and figure out how to put them all together so that it will all make sense.

Other than that things are going pretty well. I was found by an old friend that I used to hang out with in high school. It's going to be wild when we actually do meet up considering I haven't seen him since 95. I'm pretty sure I'll have to keep myself from crying when I meet up with him. ^^; For me it's a little wild that people still remember me and have been looking for me. It's cool to see how peoples lives have changed over the years. Though yesterday I really felt like I'm out of the loop with everything. Most of the people I know are or have already started families. I just feel out of the loop but I know I'm not really ready for a family. Well I think so...I just don't feel prepared for that kind of situation though I know no one really ever is ready for it.

I don't know maybe I am just starting to get sick and it's making me more depressed about things that I can't fix at the moment. I guess that might be part of the reason why I was crying again last night. Dah well, I'll just try to go home and go straight to bed after making a cup of tea and see if I just need to get more sleep...if that's possible.

FO!

I finally finished the lace shawl! X3 Enjoy. The pattern was a free Easy Triangle Shawl from Lion Brand. I used US 13's and a size K crochet hook for the edging. Was a simple lace pattern to knit up. I would knit up again just would pick another yarn instead of the Homespun. Had trouble with it catching on the needles and the hook at times. Other than that I had a slight issue with the dye lot. The skeins I used to knit this up were from the same lot but as you can see they were different colors. Though with the way this shawl was knit up it looks like I changed colors on purpose so I can't complain too much.

Better days

Well things are starting to look good again.

After having a rough couple of weeks I think things are starting to work themselves out. For the most part I know it was mostly my doing because I wouldn't speak what was on my mind. After finally doing so things have started to click more between us. Which is good considering the tenseness I was feeling for the past few weeks. I don't know why it's so hard for me to express my feelings to him about whatever situation is going on. I guess it just goes back to knowing that in the past no one really paid any attention to my feelings when I did try to express them that I just stopped. I've been trying my hardest to get them out there sometimes it works others it doesn't but I just got to tell myself to keep trying. I'm just happy that the air is finally clear between us again so I can enjoy his company again. I didn't realize how much I'd distanced myself from him because of his words and my outright denial of confronting them. Such is life, just got to keep dealing and working through everything as it comes.

On a little happier news, I'm almost done with a new shawl. I kind of picked it up because I was bored with all of the wip's I'd been working so of course I decided to pick up and knit something new. I've got 3 more repeats to do before I start on the edging. Should take me a few more hours to complete and with that pattern it helped me use up the last of this LB Homespun yarn that I didn't know what else to do with.

Blah

I'm in kind of a blah mood for some reason.

I really don't know why. Things for the most part are going all right.

I managed to finish one book and read another this weekend while continuing to work on my first lace project. So far still going smoothly since I've been careful to make sure I catch all of the stitches. Though I should have planned ahead more for my first lace project. Using a boucle yarn to start out wasn't the best move but in the long run if I can master doing lace with that I can use any yarn! X3 It's still looking like the picture so I'm happy.

Other than that I've been trying to pick up past projects ie. my 2 socks at a time and the first front panel for the cardigan I was working on months ago. It's hard to try and stay focused on kitting either of those because for the most part of both projects I'm working in just stockinette stitch so it's kind of boring at the moment. I kind of want to knit something else (that's why I'm trying my hand at lace) but I don't know what I really want to knit at the moment. I still have plastic bins full of yarns that I haven't even touched. Though some of the one's I'd like to work with are still in the hanks and from my first two tries at unwinding hanks I've learn my lesson on tackling them alone. Maybe I can convince K to help me at least get the smaller ones worked into usable balls. I'd have to ask really nicely. ^^; But even if they were in usable balls I'm still not sure I'd have the motivation to actually knit with them. I'm in kind of a pattern slump. I know I want to knit something just don't know what I want to do. I guess I should just focus on finishing my lace scarf then just see what happens. Maybe by then I'll be back into my other projects.

The only thing I'm dreading now is that cardigan. I'm at the point now where I don't know if I should re rip it it out again (would be the second time) to restart it. I'm only thinking this way because since I made the back panel I taught myself how to knit in the English method and now it's kind of obvious between when I started and where I picked it up again. The stitches look nice and even now and before hand they don't. ^^; Maybe I'll again put it aside and then decided what I want to do about it. I'm just debating now since it's not too far along so I wouldn't have much to rip out. To rip or not...that is the question! *sighs*

Aside from the knitting stuff I'm not sure how I feel about the new house hunting that's going on. K's been on house hunt for a little while now much to my surprise about a month ago. I guess I've still got mixed feelings about it because it was kind of out of the blue for me and I thought we'd have more time to look for one maybe in like a year or something but I guess it's not to be. I don't know how I'll get over the resentment of the whole situation. I think that's the way to sum up my feelings of it. I know he's trying to involve me in the choice of where we live but since he's going about it himself I feel a little put out with trying to help him find one. I don't know how to get over it. I know it's for our future but seems like it's rushing by so fast that I'm not really enjoying it. I'm trying to take everything day by day but still I'm not excited about anything really. We went out yesterday to look at a house and he was upset that I didn't show any feelings one way or the other about it. In my head I'm like how could I be when he's picking and choosing. I guess I feel that if it was his idea to go get a house then what I want really doesn't matter because of our previous conversations. He knew I wasn't really behind him and I guess it's hard for me to be happy about looking for something that I really don't have anything to do with. I can live anywhere and after all is said and done it would be his decision anyway. I guess I just have to wait till it all blows over and try to keep my resentment to myself and hope he doesn't try to dig too deep in trying to figure out what's wrong with me.

I just hope all passes soon.