Blue Days

Well still battling with some mild depression. It still comes and goes. I just wish it would go so I can get my life back on track. I'm sick of crying all of the time and feeling lonely. I know that most of what I'm feeling is just internal drama that I've either already dealt with and just can't seem to let go or stuff I still have yet to voice. I was talking to an old friend who kind of stirred up some things that I thought I was over. Ended up crying because I missed what I used to do and the friendship we had. The whole conversation just brought up things I was trying to get over. I guess it's good because I'm trying to process it but bad because it just adds to my current sadness. I wish I could be happier about the current situation that I'm in but I just can't seem to get past it to be happy just to be happy. Bah. Aside from that I'm still debating some stuff as to whether or not to tell something or not. I guess I'm still frightened by the reaction to say what I've been holding onto. I already feel like they think less of me already I guess part of me doesn't want to add to it. *sighs* Maybe I'll go home and just write it down to get it out of my head. Maybe then after I've written it down I'll debate about sending it or not. *shurgs*

Tuesday

Ugh...

So I can't wait till the weekend but even though I say that I'm pretty sure I won't be doing anything productive. I guess the X-mas blues are starting to come early for me. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been knitting more since I let writing go and I've finished two small projects already. My tea cozy and another scarf. I guess I'm just trying to get rid of my yarn so I can work on other projects. Hopefully sometime this month I'll be able to work on some of my old projects to get them out of the way and finish emptying out my yarn stash. Working on new and somewhat difficult patterns seems to be alleviating some of the boredom but I'm still having my moments. I'm currently working on a lace headband and so far its working out. I still try to write every now and then but I can't seem to focus on what I need to focus on. I know I need to work on settings but I'm still having trouble getting what I see in my mind down on paper. I just need to keep at it like every other hobby I've got. At times I just wish things were how they were a few years ago. I just seemed to be less troubled and more comfortable in my own skin. Now I feel as if I can't ever do anything right and I'm constantly worrying about stuff I can't change or fix. I'm still feeling trapped even though I'm not. I keep trying to do anything to take away from feeling like that but it seems like I can never get away from that feeling. I'm trying to take one day at a time but some days are harder than others. I'm sick of crying all of the time but I just can't seem to get my emotions out any other way. Talking about it only seems to lessen the situation for about an hour or so but whatever I say doesn't seem to stick around long enough so that changes can be made. I still feel frustrated and out of place no matter what I say or do. I always seem to keep going in circles.

*sigh*

I thought things were going great. They were for the most part for the most of the day until he said what he said. I could feel myself slowly dieing as the words were coming out of his mouth. I've been doing my best to make sure things are always pleasant around him but I guess I slacked off. I'm still shocked that he would think saying those things to me wouldn't upset me. I've told him time and time again that some of the things that he says to me hurts. I don't know how many more times I can say it to him so that he'll get the message that they way he comes across some times really hurts me. Granted I shouldn't be so sensitive but I am a girl and I've never really had that much self esteem. I've been trying to work on it but it sickens me that one word will shatter it. I hope over time things won't be like this between us. I'm just sick that things could be so good and then go so horribly wrong in the next split second. I still really don't know how to communicate with him with the fact that the way he says things really does hurt me. I wish he would just take the time and think about what he says before he says it. He doesn't seem to have the censor that tells him what's about to come out of his mouth could cause chaos. I really wish he would develop that soon. I'm sick of going to bed with tears in my eyes and with having a knot in my stomach. I hate feeling depressed with no light coming towards me as to having any signs of hope that maybe I didn't hear what I think I heard him say. It just sucks that I feel this way and I just wish that things like this would stop happening.