.....

Well I thought things were starting to get a little better but I was wrong.

I made the phone call to my folks to ask them what they were doing for Thanksgiving. As a way to help solve my little cabin fever problem and actually be a good daughter and visit them besides on just Christmas. Things during the call were going okay. I was only questioned a couple of times about why I was coming. My mother immediately asked if things were okay between me and K and I'm like yes. I just wanted to get away. Then she's like 'you know things do get rough at times, you just gotta stick it out' and 'you guys are still getting married next year, right?' All to which I assured her that nothings changed I just needed to get away for a little bit. Then she was like okay. After that we chatted for a little bit more and then hung up. About 15 minutes later she called back with confirmation about when they were coming to pick me up and drop me back home. While we were finalizing that my mother slips in the comment that 'you're not coming down here with attitude are you?' I'm like no. 'Good that means you won't be hold up in your room not talking to anyone, right?' Again I'm like no I go wherever. After a few more minutes we hung up again and I just lot it. I was crying again because she always knows how to jab at a sore spot that didn't need to be pressed. Here I am just relieved that I can chill and hang out at home with them and Ozzy (their dog) and just be. But what I get is accusations that I'm running away from my problems and that I've got to have a better attitude while I'm around them. It just seems I can't win no matter what I do or where I go. Now I've got to pretend like I didn't get attacked yet again keep up the happy front when I eventually go down there in November. I can't cancel now because then she'll know she got to me in some way and will interrogate me further about it. I guess it was kind of random for me to ask if I could come down there. I usually don't but I did honestly just on top of wanting to get away I did want to spend time with them and now because of that comment I'm yet again feeling out of place and kind of unwelcome. I know I'm over reacting but still why would someone say that to a person? It happened in the past and I thought I was getting better when I was hanging around them but apparently I haven't changed in their eyes.

It's just another frustrating thing to add to the list of things that have been bugging me over the past few weeks. Now I really feel like I've got no place to go to where I feel like I can be myself, not that I even remember what that is anymore. I guess I need to find some place with no distractions and no one around and just be to think or not to think and try to get back to myself.

I hope I can find that place soon cause I'm sick of crying myself to sleep at night.