So I can't wait till the weekend but even though I say that I'm pretty sure I won't be doing anything productive. I guess the X-mas blues are starting to come early for me. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been knitting more since I let writing go and I've finished two small projects already. My tea cozy and another scarf. I guess I'm just trying to get rid of my yarn so I can work on other projects. Hopefully sometime this month I'll be able to work on some of my old projects to get them out of the way and finish emptying out my yarn stash. Working on new and somewhat difficult patterns seems to be alleviating some of the boredom but I'm still having my moments. I'm currently working on a lace headband and so far its working out. I still try to write every now and then but I can't seem to focus on what I need to focus on. I know I need to work on settings but I'm still having trouble getting what I see in my mind down on paper. I just need to keep at it like every other hobby I've got. At times I just wish things were how they were a few years ago. I just seemed to be less troubled and more comfortable in my own skin. Now I feel as if I can't ever do anything right and I'm constantly worrying about stuff I can't change or fix. I'm still feeling trapped even though I'm not. I keep trying to do anything to take away from feeling like that but it seems like I can never get away from that feeling. I'm trying to take one day at a time but some days are harder than others. I'm sick of crying all of the time but I just can't seem to get my emotions out any other way. Talking about it only seems to lessen the situation for about an hour or so but whatever I say doesn't seem to stick around long enough so that changes can be made. I still feel frustrated and out of place no matter what I say or do. I always seem to keep going in circles.


Hump day

So making a little progress with my novel. Still have a bunch of editing to do but I hope to break 10,000 words tonight or get damn near close to it! heh heh So far I'm liking the way this version of my story is turning out. Just have to keep trying to connect scenes so they make sense. Sometimes the creative process really urks me. *sighs*

In other news...yay for the new pres!

In other other news most of my books and knitting have been placed on hold for the novel but I try to sneak in some of each when I can.

Ugh...back to writing!



Well last night I had a little breakthrough with my writing. After making some progress finally with the first chapter I remembered some of the parts I needed for my new story were in my old one! So now for some of the parts that I'm currently writing I just have to edit the hell out of my old story so that it'll fit in with my new one. I'll be able to get the word count up a least a little more today. The joys of editing...*sighs*



Well have it all planned out to either hang out here after work or go to Books a Million to write some more. That's the plan at least. I think last night I made up a little from my lack of writing on Saturday. Sure I didn't write as many words as I would have liked to but I did manage to crack through the little block I was having. Hopefully today will be better!


Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!!!

So far today isn't starting out so great for me unfortunately. I woke up twice during the night and just made it to the bathroom before semi-puking. Wasn't full blown but still kind of unnerving considering I didn't really stuff myself that night. I've been good about eating more during the day but I don't know what's causing my stomach to be so upset. It's been a few hours since I've really woken up and I still feel somewhat queasy. I think today tea will be best friend and I'll try to avoid eating big meals. ^-^;

*2 hour delay*

So now I'm at work feeling a little bit better. It kind of helps being dressed like a cat girl. :) Things were going normally so far for a Friday. Not too busy, not too many people...the usual slow day when I get there. But one of my co-workers apparently taking the cue from me (since I'm the only one in the whole staff that decided to dress up) and decided he wanted to be the Joker so he took a couple of permanent markers and proceeded to draw on his face...*sighs* We all hope that it'll eventually come off...if not we'll be very amused come Monday.

*hour or so later*

Some other employees came in wearing costumes I saw another fellow cat girl. My co-worker asked her where she got her white face paint to which she replied she got it at the store just before she came in. Needless to say he went off with her to get the white face paint to complete his joker look. When he came back I nearly spit out my tea that I was drinking because as soon as I saw him I couldn't stop laughing. So now he looks like a demented Joker with the runny melty face. I'm just happy I sit in front of him because if he's in my line of sight I can't help but laugh. It's actually making up for the crappy start to my morning. XD

When I get home my plan is to finish going through my cd's so I have my music ready for this weekend. Got a good stack so far this morning just have to pick through a few more cabinets to find the one's I think would really help me out more. Other than I'm going to try to watch all of the shows that I've been tapping so that I'll have NO distractions on Saturday. I even figured out a mini plan to make things (hopefully) easier on me when it comes to writing. I'm starting to get anxious! X3


Weekend almost here

So last night I went to bed with yet another headache. I don't know what it could be from. I've been going to bed it seems earlier and earlier each night, so I'm sure it's not from lack of sleep. Course with the cold mornings it's really hard to want to go into work sometimes. *shivers*

I can't wait to get started on writing my novel! I managed to finish the outline on Wednesday so on Saturday since I don't have any other plans coming up I can stay home and write. I just have to be sure to keep the tv off and have some soft writing friendly music playing in the background to help motivate me. I think tonight I'll go through my cd's and start picking stuff out. Of course that'll be a whole other adventure of trying to find cd's. ^^;

And wouldn't you know as soon as I start to focus on one thing other things that I've been neglecting start to creep up on me wanting attention too. I've been sort of knitting a few rounds of my socks that I started months ago. So they're kind of begging my attention to finish them...or at least get to the part where I can start working on the heels. ^^; I don't think I was helping myself by watching all of those you tube clips of other knitters and their techniques for doing stuff. I'll just have to pace myself so I spend the majority of my time writing and as a break; treat myself to working on my socks. Again...that's always the 'plan'.



Well this weekend I had a lot of fun. On Friday night after work K and I met up with some co-workers to view the History of Halloween from an Astronomer's point of view. Was very educational. Only part that semi sucked about it was the late hour that we had to be there. It was entertaining so that made up for the late hour. Though it was kind of fun to poke K to wake him up. heh heh

Then Saturday I went to see Saw V with an old friend of mine. The movie was good just not as gorey as the last ones. This movie just seemed to be kind of a filler for the next one. It was fun to hang out with my friend because it was one thing that we didn't get to do in high school. After the movie we picked up K and went out to eat. We had fun just sitting around and talking...course my friend and I had fun picking on each other. :)

Sunday K and I were suppose to go to a play but we were both w0rn out by the earlier events that we decided to stay in and watch the live action version of Honey and Clover. So far a very good series. Can't wait till it ends.

Other than that earlier in the week I signed up to do the National Novel Writing Month contest next month. I'm hoping that'll give me some motivation to finish at least one of the stories that I've been working on.



Yay! It's the weekend...in a few more hours! *happy dance*

I managed to lift some of the weight off of me my talking to my supervisor about the situation I've been dealing with in the mornings and she was like 'why didn't you tell me?!?' I was like I thought things would change with my other co-worker being there but it hasn't so I came to you. She was very understanding and she went along with my suggestion about coming in early (which I had been doing anyway) to make sure things were taken care of before we open up in the mornings. She also said that she herself would come in earlier to help me out. Which is awesome but I'll still make sure to take care of the bigger issues we've got in the morning before she gets here. It'll just be nice to have a second person there to help take some of the pressure off me.

Other than that I'm still kind of in a blah mood. I started reading a new book, mostly during my breaks at work, but haven't really been reading it at home. So far it seems to be a good story just can't bring myself to read while I'm at home for some reason.

Still haven't really found the energy either to work on some of my knitting projects. The socks are still calling to me but I haven't managed to pick them up to start knitting. Pretty much the only thing I've managed to do knitting-wise is look for more patterns that I might be interested in knitting. At least I'm not looking at the yarn which would just cause me to buy more without a purpose so I've been trying to stay away from yarn porn.



Well things continue to be the same as they have been the past few weeks here at work. *sighs* I've now come to the understanding that I'm really going to be the only one opening up in the mornings now. So far this week I've managed to do everything that needs to be done before the others eventually drag themselves here. It's frustrating yes but at least I know I'm doing a good job even when the people that are supposed to notice aren't there. *sighs* It just sucks. I kind of feel like I'm being taken advantage of even though I know this is my job. *shrugs* I guess I'm just worn out doing more than my share of the work most of the time. I just have to keep holding on and hopefully a full time position is in my future to make all of this worth while.



Well still feeling kind of out of it but I'm doing better than I've been the past few weeks. It's helped a little chatting with random people and old friends to take some of the monotony out of my days. It was fun catching up with my old friends James this weekend. We swapped stories of the libraries that we're working at and came to the conclusion that for the most part its still the same drama no matter where you're at. XD

Other than that K and I went to the play Our Town SCC students presented. I thought the play was awesome. It was nice to get out and see a play. I didn't realize how much I missed the theater vibe. It was also a nice distraction to get me out of the house.

Good stuff that's been going on for me: I got treated to a cheese danish from one of my co-workers and there were cupcakes in the break room! So I felt like a princess today! X3 Well either that or I'm still high on sugar and caffeine...I wasn't able to get a Coke Zero and all they had left was Cherry Coke...^^;



I'm an Ingrid!

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Ingrid!


You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

  • * Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

  • * Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.

  • * Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

  • * Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

  • * Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

  • * my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level

  • * my ability to establish warm connections with people

  • * admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life

  • * my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor

  • * being unique and being seen as unique by others

  • * having aesthetic sensibilities

  • * being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid

  • * experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair

  • * feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved

  • * feeling guilty when I disappoint people

  • * feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me

  • * expecting too much from myself and life

  • * fearing being abandoned

  • * obsessing over resentments

  • * longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often

  • * have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games

  • * are very sensitive

  • * feel that they don't fit in

  • * believe they are missing something that other people have

  • * attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

  • * become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood

  • * feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents

  • * help their children become who they really are

  • * support their children's creativity and originality

  • * are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings

  • * are sometimes overly critical or overly protective

  • * are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy


Feeling better...I think...

So a couple more days go by and I feel strangely good.

Still bummed that I'm busting my ass here at work in the mornings with limited help. Even though I feel like I'm struggling, my supervisor told me the other day she was happy that she made the switch in hours between me and another co-worker. So as long as she's happy that's all that matters. That and with the way that my hours are now I get to leave earlier and avoid some of the afternoon drama.

Personal things are starting to look better. I got a call from my mother last night for no reason. I guess she might have been feeling my vibe from our last phone call. It was another generic call about how things were going and 'I was just thinking about you' and the usual crap. Though the only drawback was that of another random comment after she again asked if the wedding was on that 'that make makes me very happy'...I'm like okay...I still may be a little bit of a wreck but as long as 'shes' happy everythings all right. *sighs* I knew I shouldn't have called her and started this mess but at the time I felt like that was my only option. Which is kind of funny considering she keeps telling me that I'm always welcome there and one of the few times I actually take her up on the offer it cause all this drama?!? Well on my end at least. *sighs and takes deep breath* Just still looking forward to playing with Ozzy to make this all worth it!

On the knitting front I stared working on the Unshaped Shrug pattern again with some slight modifications. This time I'm actually using the pattern! It's working along quick and easy for the most part though after a little creative adding of stitches I managed to get my modifications to fit along with the pattern. So much so that you can't really tell that I messed up since I caught it early on. :) Slowly but surely I'm clearing out my yarn stash. Though I still have to get back to work on my socks. ^^;



Well I thought things were starting to get a little better but I was wrong.

I made the phone call to my folks to ask them what they were doing for Thanksgiving. As a way to help solve my little cabin fever problem and actually be a good daughter and visit them besides on just Christmas. Things during the call were going okay. I was only questioned a couple of times about why I was coming. My mother immediately asked if things were okay between me and K and I'm like yes. I just wanted to get away. Then she's like 'you know things do get rough at times, you just gotta stick it out' and 'you guys are still getting married next year, right?' All to which I assured her that nothings changed I just needed to get away for a little bit. Then she was like okay. After that we chatted for a little bit more and then hung up. About 15 minutes later she called back with confirmation about when they were coming to pick me up and drop me back home. While we were finalizing that my mother slips in the comment that 'you're not coming down here with attitude are you?' I'm like no. 'Good that means you won't be hold up in your room not talking to anyone, right?' Again I'm like no I go wherever. After a few more minutes we hung up again and I just lot it. I was crying again because she always knows how to jab at a sore spot that didn't need to be pressed. Here I am just relieved that I can chill and hang out at home with them and Ozzy (their dog) and just be. But what I get is accusations that I'm running away from my problems and that I've got to have a better attitude while I'm around them. It just seems I can't win no matter what I do or where I go. Now I've got to pretend like I didn't get attacked yet again keep up the happy front when I eventually go down there in November. I can't cancel now because then she'll know she got to me in some way and will interrogate me further about it. I guess it was kind of random for me to ask if I could come down there. I usually don't but I did honestly just on top of wanting to get away I did want to spend time with them and now because of that comment I'm yet again feeling out of place and kind of unwelcome. I know I'm over reacting but still why would someone say that to a person? It happened in the past and I thought I was getting better when I was hanging around them but apparently I haven't changed in their eyes.

It's just another frustrating thing to add to the list of things that have been bugging me over the past few weeks. Now I really feel like I've got no place to go to where I feel like I can be myself, not that I even remember what that is anymore. I guess I need to find some place with no distractions and no one around and just be to think or not to think and try to get back to myself.

I hope I can find that place soon cause I'm sick of crying myself to sleep at night.


Doing a little better

So now I'm a little better off than I was the past couple of days. I still feel on edge a little bit about being in the apartment all the time but it's starting to lessen. I did manage to get out after work and just hang out one of my favorite books stores for about a half an hour. It was nice just walking around. Though I did cave and bought a couple more books to read but considering my track record I should be through them in a little while.

I think the only thing that still worrying me is the fact that K's not hearing what I'm saying to him. I said I wanted to leave for a bit around the holidays and stay with my folks. Just to get way for a bit and he was still thinking yesterday that I wanted to leave him and just stay with my folks. It's just a tad frustrating because he here's what he wants to hear. After more talking we got on the same page but sometimes it's just not that easy to talk to him. But such is life.

Other than that things are going okay. The only downfall was that work yesterday sucked majorly. I pretty much had to open by myself since the person that usually helps out in the mornings called in sick the night before. So I had to make sure everything was on, holds were picked out and sorted and the doors were open up all before 7:45am. I managed to do all of that before one of the others came in to help out. But I thought things would be okay once we were open...I was sadly mistaken. Students coming in didn't know where they were going. Passing printing equipment thinking what they printed out was at our desk instead of were they were in the computer lab. We had to cover for another worker in another department so it strained are already limited crew of people. So for the majority of the day everyone was running around doing other peoples work and our own. It was good because it made the day go faster but frustrating because of all the work we had piled onto ourselves. Job security. *sighs*

So far today hasn't been too bad. Just have to open by myself again this morning but there hasn't been too much of a rush so I'm hoping things well be calmer today. I really hope so cause I've got another wicked headache coming on. *crosses fingers*


Dark weekend

So last night when I was about to go to bed I kind of freaked out and started crying.

Over the past few weeks just was feeling majorly depressed and having a touch of cabin fever I finally broke down. It just really got to me the fact that I haven't been able to do things that I would normally do. I've tried reading and watching anime to pass the time but it seems right now that its not working. I'm just sick of seeing the same 4 walls day in and day out. I might try to break up what I do before I come home and hope that lessens it some. I hope that'll work just going to other stores and shop and just hang out for a half hour or so till I feel like going back home. Just being in the rut of going to work and home and doing stuff that I have to do seems to me just grating on my nerves. I wish gas wasn't so expensive so I could maybe drive around a little and just hang out in random places till I feel the need to come home and sit there.

I did feel a little bit better while I was knitting my ascot. That's probably because it was a small project and I was able to finish it fairly quickly so I got some instant gratification about that. I'm starting to feel a little pull from some of the projects that I set aside so hopefully I'll be able to pick one of them up and start knitting on them too.

I'm just in a blah mood and now I'm trying to get out of it...hopefully soon so I can get over this and move on.


I finally finished making my ascot! It was a very simple pattern to knit up. Course it does help that my head was finally clear from my cold so I could focus on knitting. ^^;

Finished and being blocked!

Close up

Close up of edging

Me wearing it!


New Project

I'm currently working on the free Lana & Clark Ascot pattern from Vickie Howell. So far it's been a quick pattern to knit up. Still working on the first half of it. The only snag I ran into so far was trying to knit 4 stitches together. My first attempt I had to rip out a few rows. I left it at that for the evening and tonight when I get home I'm going to attempt it again. The Vickie Hoewll Love yarn that I'm using is really nice to work with. It's not splitting too badly. My only complaint is that one of the hanks I purchased is cut and re-tied in several places. If I do manage to use it it's going to have to be on a small project with all the bumps in this particular ball. But it's my fault for not trying to wind it in a ball earlier when it was within the return time. Oh well. I should have wip pics up soon!




Well today has been in a word....weird. The patrons coming into the library are just being strange today with their questions and behaviors. I'm just glad I came in early so that I can leave early and get away from these strange people. I hope tomorrow will be better. :-s

This weekend was decent. I managed to finish up the one I was reading and read another one and starting a third! Other than that I spent the majority of my time waiting for people when I should have just been sleeping to continue to combat my chest cold.

Saturday was fun, spent the first part of the day reading one book and then later on in the evening I met up with a friend from high school that I haven't seen since '95. It was fun to reminisce about old times and was kind of funny to see that he hadn't changed much since high school. He's still the same funny kid he was in school.

Sunday was just tiring. After spending most of the night chatting I should have slept in but it didn't happen for whatever reason. So I did a lot of chores and running around while I was waiting for the cable guy to come over and fix my cable and internet. Turns out the wire outside had snapped. So not sure if someone cut/messed with it or if it just was an old connection that snapped. Oh well I'm just glad it's fixed and that I'm up and running again.

Today I'm just tired but I get to go home soon and hopefully will be able to calm down enough so I can go to sleep sooner. Anyway...that's the plan...^^;



Feeling under the weather

I don't know if it's a delayed reaction to my work schedule changing but I'm not feeling my best as of late.

I've been trying to be good about making sure I eat a little something before I go in. It's not as much as I used to eat before I went in a few months ago but I'm trying so I don't get so run down. I'm still eating what I'm bringing to work for lunch. I don't know why I would be feeling this way except for the change in activity. I'm still trying to be active when I get home though as of late I haven't really been into anything as much as I used to. I've slowed down with my reading too. I felt a little guilty returning a book the next Harry Potter book I was looking forward to reading. I did attempt to read it after I first checked it out but quickly lost interest in actually reading it. The other day I thought up the plan to just save up so I can buy the collection and then I can read them at my leisure. I had intended on buy the collection anyway so in the end it's probably for the best that I'm taking a break from the series. Aside from that it's taken me like 3 weeks and I still haven't finished my other book I was reading. Just kind of said because usually I can read one of those erotic books in a couple of days. I've only got a few more chapters to go so hopefully I'll be finished with it by this weekend. Then I'll just take a break from everything and see what peeks my interest again and go from there.

Last weekend I did managed to make 2 more granny squares in different patterns. I'm still trying to post pics of those when I can get a decent shot of them without some sort of weird glare. Other than that I'm still stalled out on knitting and crocheting projects that I'd like to do. I guess over the past few weeks I've been doing too much and just need a break from everything.

I also managed to work a little on a story that I don't think I'll ever finish. I'm still getting random scenes in my head and trying to get them down on paper. I just have to try and eventually make the time to sit down and figure out how to put them all together so that it will all make sense.

Other than that things are going pretty well. I was found by an old friend that I used to hang out with in high school. It's going to be wild when we actually do meet up considering I haven't seen him since 95. I'm pretty sure I'll have to keep myself from crying when I meet up with him. ^^; For me it's a little wild that people still remember me and have been looking for me. It's cool to see how peoples lives have changed over the years. Though yesterday I really felt like I'm out of the loop with everything. Most of the people I know are or have already started families. I just feel out of the loop but I know I'm not really ready for a family. Well I think so...I just don't feel prepared for that kind of situation though I know no one really ever is ready for it.

I don't know maybe I am just starting to get sick and it's making me more depressed about things that I can't fix at the moment. I guess that might be part of the reason why I was crying again last night. Dah well, I'll just try to go home and go straight to bed after making a cup of tea and see if I just need to get more sleep...if that's possible.


It's taken hold of me!

So this morning after waking up uberly early (3am) I felt compelled to learn how to crochet a granny square. I got it right on the second try! now I'm just debating on making it a really big square and have that as a blanket or just finish off the square and make others to patch together. I'm thinking I'm going to go the lazy route and just make it one big square and just add different yarns as needed. Hopefully when I get home and get back too it I'll post pics of progress. It should be a good way to use up random balls of yarn I've got laying around from old projects I'm no longer interested in making.



I finally finished the lace shawl! X3 Enjoy. The pattern was a free Easy Triangle Shawl from Lion Brand. I used US 13's and a size K crochet hook for the edging. Was a simple lace pattern to knit up. I would knit up again just would pick another yarn instead of the Homespun. Had trouble with it catching on the needles and the hook at times. Other than that I had a slight issue with the dye lot. The skeins I used to knit this up were from the same lot but as you can see they were different colors. Though with the way this shawl was knit up it looks like I changed colors on purpose so I can't complain too much.


Better days

Well things are starting to look good again.

After having a rough couple of weeks I think things are starting to work themselves out. For the most part I know it was mostly my doing because I wouldn't speak what was on my mind. After finally doing so things have started to click more between us. Which is good considering the tenseness I was feeling for the past few weeks. I don't know why it's so hard for me to express my feelings to him about whatever situation is going on. I guess it just goes back to knowing that in the past no one really paid any attention to my feelings when I did try to express them that I just stopped. I've been trying my hardest to get them out there sometimes it works others it doesn't but I just got to tell myself to keep trying. I'm just happy that the air is finally clear between us again so I can enjoy his company again. I didn't realize how much I'd distanced myself from him because of his words and my outright denial of confronting them. Such is life, just got to keep dealing and working through everything as it comes.

On a little happier news, I'm almost done with a new shawl. I kind of picked it up because I was bored with all of the wip's I'd been working so of course I decided to pick up and knit something new. I've got 3 more repeats to do before I start on the edging. Should take me a few more hours to complete and with that pattern it helped me use up the last of this LB Homespun yarn that I didn't know what else to do with.



I'm in kind of a blah mood for some reason.

I really don't know why. Things for the most part are going all right.

I managed to finish one book and read another this weekend while continuing to work on my first lace project. So far still going smoothly since I've been careful to make sure I catch all of the stitches. Though I should have planned ahead more for my first lace project. Using a boucle yarn to start out wasn't the best move but in the long run if I can master doing lace with that I can use any yarn! X3 It's still looking like the picture so I'm happy.

Other than that I've been trying to pick up past projects ie. my 2 socks at a time and the first front panel for the cardigan I was working on months ago. It's hard to try and stay focused on kitting either of those because for the most part of both projects I'm working in just stockinette stitch so it's kind of boring at the moment. I kind of want to knit something else (that's why I'm trying my hand at lace) but I don't know what I really want to knit at the moment. I still have plastic bins full of yarns that I haven't even touched. Though some of the one's I'd like to work with are still in the hanks and from my first two tries at unwinding hanks I've learn my lesson on tackling them alone. Maybe I can convince K to help me at least get the smaller ones worked into usable balls. I'd have to ask really nicely. ^^; But even if they were in usable balls I'm still not sure I'd have the motivation to actually knit with them. I'm in kind of a pattern slump. I know I want to knit something just don't know what I want to do. I guess I should just focus on finishing my lace scarf then just see what happens. Maybe by then I'll be back into my other projects.

The only thing I'm dreading now is that cardigan. I'm at the point now where I don't know if I should re rip it it out again (would be the second time) to restart it. I'm only thinking this way because since I made the back panel I taught myself how to knit in the English method and now it's kind of obvious between when I started and where I picked it up again. The stitches look nice and even now and before hand they don't. ^^; Maybe I'll again put it aside and then decided what I want to do about it. I'm just debating now since it's not too far along so I wouldn't have much to rip out. To rip or not...that is the question! *sighs*

Aside from the knitting stuff I'm not sure how I feel about the new house hunting that's going on. K's been on house hunt for a little while now much to my surprise about a month ago. I guess I've still got mixed feelings about it because it was kind of out of the blue for me and I thought we'd have more time to look for one maybe in like a year or something but I guess it's not to be. I don't know how I'll get over the resentment of the whole situation. I think that's the way to sum up my feelings of it. I know he's trying to involve me in the choice of where we live but since he's going about it himself I feel a little put out with trying to help him find one. I don't know how to get over it. I know it's for our future but seems like it's rushing by so fast that I'm not really enjoying it. I'm trying to take everything day by day but still I'm not excited about anything really. We went out yesterday to look at a house and he was upset that I didn't show any feelings one way or the other about it. In my head I'm like how could I be when he's picking and choosing. I guess I feel that if it was his idea to go get a house then what I want really doesn't matter because of our previous conversations. He knew I wasn't really behind him and I guess it's hard for me to be happy about looking for something that I really don't have anything to do with. I can live anywhere and after all is said and done it would be his decision anyway. I guess I just have to wait till it all blows over and try to keep my resentment to myself and hope he doesn't try to dig too deep in trying to figure out what's wrong with me.

I just hope all passes soon.

Rose Dream

Originally uploaded by umbramystic

Here's a pic of me in the finally competed shrug! It was a simple shrug to knit up and would defiantly make again!


I did it!

After venting my frustrations out in a post I managed to finally figure out that lace pattern! Of course after I worked the first repeat I quickly deleted my post before it got responded to. ^^; I'm thinking my trouble came in when I was trying to do some of the decreases. I might not have knit together the correct number of stitches though I thought I had. *happy dance* I'm just glad I figured it out finally! Only took me like 6 times too! *hangs head*

I also finally finished my shrug too! *another happy dance* X3 Just have to upload the pictures to post. (hopefully sometime this week!) ^-^


Yay! I finally managed to finish knitting the body of the shrug that I've been working on. It's currently being blocked so all I have to do now is seam up the sides once it's dry! *happy dance* Pics will hopefully be up soon! :)

After finishing the shrug I'm now left with what to start knitting again. I tried a bunch of times to re-work this one lace pattern with not much success. Well I take that back I have been able to successfully knit up one repeat of the lace pattern but I forgot to knit the edging so I had to rip it out. (I did take a pic though to remind myself I can do it!) My problem is every time I knit it with the edging (2 rows of St st) and then start the lace pattern as it says I always end up with an extra stitch on the end. It's just frustrating because the one time I knit it without the edging I don't have any extra stitches and it knits up with no issues. So I don't' know what I'm doing wrong. :( I'll try again later when I'm less frustrated by that pattern.

I've managed to pick up knitting my two socks at once. Just not challenging enough for me at the moment since I'm working on the foot part so I'm kind of restless with new things to knit. I want to knit something else but not sure what I want to get my needles in. (besides that cursed lace pattern)




Well it seemed to be a 24 hour thing for both of us. After all the drama and stress we talked and are back on the same page. I tell ya things do look better after you've had a chance to rest and recover. Such is life though with it's ups and downs. Just hopefully over time they'll be more ups than downs.

Can't wait for the weekend to start. Just a few more hours of work to get through and I'll be free to kick back and do whatever. I'm almost finished with the body of my shrug just those few more inches to go then I start on the edges. It seems to be taking forever to finish but in actuality it hasn't taken me that much time to complete. I guess I've still been in reading mode that I've been slacking off on my knitting. I just hope to balance enough to finish it up this weekend so I can start wearing it. XD


Better to a degree

Things are starting to clam down between us now. I think the only hurdle I've got to get over now is shaking whatever I seemed to have come down with. It actually should have happened sooner I'm guessing since I haven't been eating regularly for a little while now. When I did eat I felt nauseous so that should have been my first clues that I was starting to get sick. It's weird though every time do get sick my body temperature lowers instead of rises. I've noticed that been happening a lot recently. *shrugs* Well I always knew my body was weird.

In a few more hours I get to go back home from work and hopefully be able to curl up in bed. That was my other sign that I'm not feeling well since the past two mornings I've been actually able to sleep in considering going to bed at a decent time. I just hope tonight I'll be able to have a restful sleep instead of being woken up at random times. Of course he'll have to stop fidgeting around in the first place for me to actually go to sleep....*sighs and crosses fingers thinking about this morning*

But other than that I've managed to make a little more progress on my shrug that I've been working on. Just 5 more inches to go with the body and then I can start picking up stitches along the sides to do the border. After that just have to block then seam together! X3 Yay! One project almost completed!



Things are starting to look up a little bit. I don't know how to really make things better because things will never really be completely better. I guess I shouldn't be so sensitive when it comes to things but I just can't seem to jump that hurdle when it smacks me in the face. I try to not let things get to me but sometimes it's like he says one thing then everything after that just keeps picking at it over and over again. Which makes me feel worse about myself. I know it shouldn't but it just continues to do so. I try to stick up for myself and it seems as if every time I do I just feel worse instead of better. Hopefully soon I'll be able to find some middle ground that we can both be happy with. Mostly for my sake since nothing seems to get him that upset which is also a irratant to me for some reason. *sighs* I've got to get a better control over myself and my emotions.



I had a really weird dream again last night. It's been a while since I've had a strange one like this. I guess I'm still upset about the events of the day before. I dreamed I was in the middle of watching a wrestling match and just before the match was about to end he grabs me around the neck and starts biting and licking at my neck as I'm trying to watch what's going on in the ring. I'm pushing and struggling against him as I'm trying to turn my head to see what's going on in the ring but I can't and I know I'm missing the best part of the match because I can hear the crowd around the right erupt with cheering for what's going on. I can't see what they're seeing because he's covering my face and somehow things are starting to look darker so I can't see what's going on in the ring anymore. Next thing I know I've managed to get an arm up in between our bodies and I kind of elbow him in the face a couple of times to get him off of me. As I rear back and punch him again I wake up very confused like I did hit him in my sleep. I'm trying to let this go but I guess it still bugs me...



I thought things were going great. They were for the most part for the most of the day until he said what he said. I could feel myself slowly dieing as the words were coming out of his mouth. I've been doing my best to make sure things are always pleasant around him but I guess I slacked off. I'm still shocked that he would think saying those things to me wouldn't upset me. I've told him time and time again that some of the things that he says to me hurts. I don't know how many more times I can say it to him so that he'll get the message that they way he comes across some times really hurts me. Granted I shouldn't be so sensitive but I am a girl and I've never really had that much self esteem. I've been trying to work on it but it sickens me that one word will shatter it. I hope over time things won't be like this between us. I'm just sick that things could be so good and then go so horribly wrong in the next split second. I still really don't know how to communicate with him with the fact that the way he says things really does hurt me. I wish he would just take the time and think about what he says before he says it. He doesn't seem to have the censor that tells him what's about to come out of his mouth could cause chaos. I really wish he would develop that soon. I'm sick of going to bed with tears in my eyes and with having a knot in my stomach. I hate feeling depressed with no light coming towards me as to having any signs of hope that maybe I didn't hear what I think I heard him say. It just sucks that I feel this way and I just wish that things like this would stop happening.


Semi-new start

Hi all!

This is like my second try at trying to maintain this blog. I think I'll just keep this one for my knitting progress and see how it goes.

I'm currently working on a shrug, socks, purse, scarf and a cardigan. All are at various states of wip-ness. I'll have updates on each hopefully in the next post.